Recently a short, but crazy intense romantic relationship of mine came to an abrupt end. I didn't end it, he did, because he had a Christmas reconciliation with his ex girlfriend. And he ended it by sending me an email explaining the situation.
Regardless of what I sometimes say, I have this very deep seated belief that things will inevitably work out. I trust too much and fall too quickly. I don't fall for every man who pays attention to me, it's usually the opposite and I tend to be the one that pushes them away. But when I set my eye on someone and it's a mutual attraction - BAM!! That's it, I've already jumped in with both feet and sunk waist deep into the thick of it.
When I met this new man I accepted the offer of a first date not really knowing how interested I was in him, but it had been forever since I'd been on a real date and he was polite and kind. On the date I discovered that he was different. I mean drastically different. He asked me questions that had no right or wrong answer but required a lot of thought. He was interested in what I had to say, and he didn't mind my quirks, presumably because he had his own. In short, he intrigued the hell out of me. I made a conscious effort not to project my biases from my past failed romantic experiences into him. I made another conscious decision to be my most authentic self instead of twisting myself to be accepted by this man. We had some wonderful experiences together. He took me places I'd never been, introduced me to foods I'd never eaten, and generally guided me to new experiences I may not have sought out on my own.
Needless to say, when he ended it, it hurt. My first reaction was the whole anger/hurt/crying thing. I was hurt that he broke up with me by email. I was angry that I had even invested time into this person. And I was super pissed that he had chosen someone else over me.
When I stopped my internal tirade long enough to take a step back and look at the situation I discovered something. My ego was hurt. Yes I was upset over the loss of this person, but was I in love? My heart said, "No but we really liked him and he sure was fun!", then my ego piped up, "Ahhh but you could have been. You just needed more time and he could have loved you." I think lots of times it's the unexpected that hurts the most in life. That big surprise. That, "FUCK, I didn't see that coming!!" moment that makes us feel incapable of navigating our way through our own life, and leaves us with that dread feeling of uncertainty in our own judgement. Such as, did I expect him to get back together with his ex girlfriend? I can honestly say I didn't fucking see THAT coming. And then the self doubt started. Did I cry myself to sleep? Most definitely. Was I angry? At first, until an über awesome friend reminded me that this had nothing to do with me, or whether or not I was worthy of love. She then told me to give myself a definite timeline to grieve and just work on it, go head to head with it, get intimate with it, and write the fuck out of it instead of hiding it as people often do. She told me grieve and then just let it go. That's the best advice I've ever gotten, and it's been working for me.
As I became more introspective about the situation, I realized that I couldn't fault him for taking a second chance that was given to him by someone he loves. Wouldn't anyone of us do the same thing? Wouldn't we reconcile with someone that we love....someone who feels like home? "Seek first to understand and then to be understood" came into my head as I puzzled the situation out. I sought to understand his actions. His path and mine were simply not the same path, but it was wonderful to walk down it together even for that short while.
It felt fantastically liberating to be able to be myself and act freely with him as though I'd never been hurt in the past. I wish him much love and light in his journey. I learned a lot from him and I'm happy that we met.
