Dear Damn 2013

Dear 2013, you were the hands down worst year of my life. You were the year that showed me the true definition of heartbreak. I was literally brought to my knees with it. I laid awake on countless sleepless nights for months on end, sobbing and unable to breathe with the heartbreak that will forever mark 2013. That sorrow completely overshadowed the year, consuming my entire being. My. Entire. Fucking. Being. I never imagined that I would be able to recover from that bitter ache that was relentless within me. In the end I was able to pick up my shattered pieces and move on, but admittedly, a slight twinge remains.

Dear 2013, you were the best year of my life. You showed me that even though I had been shattered  into a million miniscule pieces, broken beyond fucking recognition, I could survive. I was taught that even when it felt like I could not go on...when it felt as if  I could not exist in this life for one more second...the world would continue to live and move on without me. I learned that above all, time really is the great, true healer. This was the year that I discovered who I really am. I became authentic and comfortable with myself, and I learned to show that authenticity. This was the year I became true to myself.

2013 will mark the year that, after what felt like a lifetime, I began to write again. I wrote about what I loved and I wrote about what hurt me to the core, and that pouring out of my soul started to heal me.

This was the year that I decided, out of the blue, to pick up a paintbrush for the first time and paint a picture. I painted that picture, and I found that I loved it. The best part was that I discovered my fear of being no good was unfounded. Even if the painting had turned out to be terrible, it was a starting place and it can only get better from there.

This was the year I realized that my fear was simply all the made up shit in my head, consisting of my own limiting beliefs. This was the year I took a step back and got some perspective, and in those moments I discovered that I am limitless.

Dear Canada Post....

I was at work last week when a coworker mentioned to me that Canada Post was planning on implementing some major changes in the New Year. Of course just had to I read up on these changes, which will directly affect me, and I stewed about it all for a little while. The reasoning behind these changes is that they are losing so much money to the era of email and internet that they can't afford not to take these steps. I'm sure said coworker wishes she had never mentioned anything to me, as I was like a dog with a bone on this topic for our entire four shifts. That's four shifts in a row that we work together, side by side. Imagine it: forty-eight long hours of listening to me. (Sorry Michele!!)

For those not familiar with what's going on, Canada Post is planning on raising the price of the current 63 cent stamp to 85 cents if you buy them in a package of multiple stamps, or $1 if they are bought separately. That's one dollar to mail a card or a letter. They are also planning to phase out door to door deliveries in urban areas, opting instead to throw up a bunch of those nasty looking walls of mail boxes. One point that was made to me about the big mail box wall was that they have the possiblity of building community. The opportunity is there to meet your neighbours while getting the mail, or getting the mail for a neighbour who may not be able to get it for themselves. I'm still a bit skeptical about the big wall of boxes, but I can totally respect the idea of growing a community.

My original "rant" regarding the implementation of these ideas had been a simple status on Facebook. However, I got so many texts and messages supporting my idea that I thought I'd turn it into a blog and send it directly to Canada Post at the urging some good friends. (Thanks Christa and Mike!)

So here's my idea in a nutshell:

Dear Canada Post,

I understand that you have fallen on hard times. The world is moving so fast now, and everyone wants instant gratification that you can't deliver (forgive the pun). This is the generation of immediate responses and split second mail via text message, email, and Skype. I get it, and I feel for you. Even I have to admit, I will never go back to doing such tasks as paying my bills by mail when online banking is just so darn convenient. But maybe instead of jumping straight to your aforementioned plan of attack you could take a different approach?

How about making a whole campaign promoting a slowdown of society? Make an ad focusing on the smile on someone's face when they receive an actual letter in the mail. What about the feeling of receiving a tangible card in the mail instead of a post on Facebook? Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate my Facebook messages and well wishes, I truly do, but I haven't had a letter written to me in years and I would be absolutely thrilled to receive one.

That being said, I have letters that I keep in a little box in my closet. They were sent to me from my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old and he was 19 years old. He was at university and I was still in high school, and it was the most cost effective way to communicate at that time. I can't even describe the anticipation I felt waiting for his letters to come, and the butterflies in my stomach on the day his letter would arrive. I know I wouldn't still have an email or a text message from 24 years ago. Let's promote the romanticism of the love letter, and the thoughtfulness of the handwritten word. Just a thought.

Would You Wear Your Words on Your Skin?

Hello friend! Come on over....make yourself comfortable. Sit back and close your eyes. Just totally relax. Now picture something for me. Imagine we lived in a world where every single word you ever spoke materialized on your skin for all to see. Really and truly take a few moments to picture it. Do you think you would you live your life differently? Would it make you more mindful of the way you treat others? Would you choose kindness over malice? Empathy over indifference? Acceptance over rejection?

If every word you said was etched on your skin, would you be more aware of your dialogue? Would you live in fear and censor yourself, or would you seek to bravely speak your truth? Would you care when you saw the hurt look on your friend's face as she saw how you gossiped behind her back? How would it feel to have everyone see the harmful things that are said in the heat of the moment? Those damaging words are ingrained in the heart of the person they were hurled at, regardless of whether we mean them or not. Envision that they are glaringly evident to each person you encounter. Would you take back that time when you were 15 years old and you told your mother you hated her, because in your teenage angst everything seemed so much more important than anything she had to teach you? Would you have found the words to tell your grandmother how much she meant to you, because it would become so apparent after she died that sometimes it really is too late?

Imagine we lived in a world where every single word you spoke appeared on your skin for all to see. Would you live your life covered head to toe in clothing to hide the ugliness of your comments and criticisms, or could you freely parade the beauty of your vernacular?

Now picture something else for me. Imagine that the words you spoke did not appear on your skin. Imagine your words appeared on the skin of those you spoke them about. And alternatively, you were also covered in the words others spoke of you. Imagine how it would feel to be perpetually reading put downs, insults and verbal abuse. What would your attitude toward life be? Now imagine how it would feel to be able to carry visible compliments and praise permanently with you. Your outlook would be incredibly different, wouldn't it?

Hold this with you in your heart, and remember that words can be delightful or malicious, peaceful or cruel. Words must be chosen carefully for our own peace of mind as well as for the feelings of others. Choose well, my friends <3

Forgive Me Humanity, For I Have Sinned

 

 

A couple of months ago I sat back and took a really close look at my life. I'm talking about a microscopic dissection of everything I thought I knew about myself. I was intensely aware that I had made a powerful transformation within the last two years. I recognized that I had helped people deal with their life issues, not from guessing but from the comments and emails I had received with expressions of love and gratitude. The truth is, I never set out to help anyone, I never set out to inspire anyone, and I sure as hell never wanted anyone to look to me for anything. I just wanted to save myself from myself. I just needed to stop myself from self destructing with my disparaging thoughts. Fortunately with some fantastic guidance and some crazy self awareness, I was able to do just that. However even with most of my disadventageous behaviours under control something still felt really unsettled within me, and one day everything got bad. It actually got worse than it ever had before, to the point where it was difficult for me to function. I had nothing to do but think because it was hard for me to do anything else in the state I was in. In the self evaluation that was constantly running through my head I came to the conclusion that although the past is the unchangeable  past, making amends for the wrongs I had committed and the hurts I had caused could neutralize a lot of the pain I was still carrying.

 

So I thought of the people I perceived that I had hurt the most, or had the most drama with, in the years gone by. I sent apologies to those people (the ones I could find anyway), even if I felt I had gotten more hurt in the relationship than they had, and I took responsibility for my actions. I made no excuses for any of my behaviours. I didn't want to cheapen my apology with an excuse. I simply said a very heartfelt sorry. I said I was sorry to those I had been friends with and those I had been lovers with. Some of the biggest apologies I wanted to make were to people who had already passed on from this life to the next, and so I said those ones silently, within my own heart. I received an overwhelmingly beautiful collection of responses from nearly all of the recipients. The majority of people welcomed my apology with open arms, some people said they had no idea what I was talking about and hadn't felt slighted by me in the least, and two people did not answer my apology at all. Those that had not felt an apology was necessary made me feel incredibly sad because I had spent, in some cases, 20 years carrying unnecessary burdens from what I perceived as huge evils that I had committed when in reality those were merely made up stories I had generated myself. Regardless of the reaction I received, my heart felt wildly emancipated to know I had reached out to another person and attempted to make amends for any suffering I had caused.

 

After that, I felt lighter somehow. Pardon the shitty cliche, but it really did feel as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. So many feelings that I had been carrying with me on my journey were shed and left by the roadside. Maybe even more importantly than asking for forgiveness from others, I forgave myself for my sins. I forgave myself for hating those who hurt me. I forgave myself for not knowing what I didn't know before I learned it, realizing I had beat myself up for years for thinking I should have "known better" in a situation I had never encountered before. I forgave myself for making poor choices at times when I was just doing the best I knew how. I forgave myself for feeling guilty for not living up to other people's expectations when I should have blocked out the opinions of others and concentrated on what I wanted for me. I forgave myself for putting expectations on others when my desires shouldn't play any part in the lives of others at all. I forgave myself for letting guilt and insecurity eat me up inside until I thought I wasn't worthy of love or life. My updated Facebook status a few days after I unpacked all of this baggage reflected my feelings:

 



"Two weeks ago I had the worst day. Ever. Nothing happened to make it the worst day ever, it just was. It felt like everything was completely and unbearably wrong.

A week and a half ago I decided to start unloading the baggage I had been carrying around. Some of the things I unloaded, I had been internalizing for 20 years. I asked for forgiveness from others and forgave myself.

A week ago I saw a picture that said, "No matter what....I will continue to live from the centre of my wide open heart". I decided to do that, to open my heart back up when I interacted with all others. To put myself out there and not hold myself back.

Half a week ago I read a crazy powerful poem entitled She Let Go. I read it over and over again. And then I simply let go.

Now everything is different, but it's not. The same day to day issues are still there, but I am different. I feel so much more at peace, and that makes all the difference."

 

I discovered it is not worth it to live with the guilt of my prior actions, especially if I am able to heal it in some way. I discovered it's ok not to have all the answers first in order to move on. Hell, sometimes I don't even know the questions. Putting my ego aside and putting myself out wholeheartedly to people was the best decision I could have possibly made for myself at that point in my life. Interestingly, a few weeks ago I received a message from an old friend who I hadn't had contact with for many years, and had reconnected with fairly recently on Facebook. She said she could relate to my blog posts and that she had her own sadness, insecurities and regrets....and that she was sorry for being a bad friend. And I honestly had no idea why she felt she needed to apologize to me, and I told her that all I had were good memories of her. I hope at that point she was able to release those guilt feelings she had been carrying around and feel a bit freer within her heart as well.

 

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The poem that changed the way I thought of letting go:

 

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgements. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the "right" reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,
she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't read the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all the calculations about how to do it just right.
She just let go.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She just let go. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree,
she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forever more.

~Safire Rose