Forgive Me Humanity, For I Have Sinned

 

 

A couple of months ago I sat back and took a really close look at my life. I'm talking about a microscopic dissection of everything I thought I knew about myself. I was intensely aware that I had made a powerful transformation within the last two years. I recognized that I had helped people deal with their life issues, not from guessing but from the comments and emails I had received with expressions of love and gratitude. The truth is, I never set out to help anyone, I never set out to inspire anyone, and I sure as hell never wanted anyone to look to me for anything. I just wanted to save myself from myself. I just needed to stop myself from self destructing with my disparaging thoughts. Fortunately with some fantastic guidance and some crazy self awareness, I was able to do just that. However even with most of my disadventageous behaviours under control something still felt really unsettled within me, and one day everything got bad. It actually got worse than it ever had before, to the point where it was difficult for me to function. I had nothing to do but think because it was hard for me to do anything else in the state I was in. In the self evaluation that was constantly running through my head I came to the conclusion that although the past is the unchangeable  past, making amends for the wrongs I had committed and the hurts I had caused could neutralize a lot of the pain I was still carrying.

 

So I thought of the people I perceived that I had hurt the most, or had the most drama with, in the years gone by. I sent apologies to those people (the ones I could find anyway), even if I felt I had gotten more hurt in the relationship than they had, and I took responsibility for my actions. I made no excuses for any of my behaviours. I didn't want to cheapen my apology with an excuse. I simply said a very heartfelt sorry. I said I was sorry to those I had been friends with and those I had been lovers with. Some of the biggest apologies I wanted to make were to people who had already passed on from this life to the next, and so I said those ones silently, within my own heart. I received an overwhelmingly beautiful collection of responses from nearly all of the recipients. The majority of people welcomed my apology with open arms, some people said they had no idea what I was talking about and hadn't felt slighted by me in the least, and two people did not answer my apology at all. Those that had not felt an apology was necessary made me feel incredibly sad because I had spent, in some cases, 20 years carrying unnecessary burdens from what I perceived as huge evils that I had committed when in reality those were merely made up stories I had generated myself. Regardless of the reaction I received, my heart felt wildly emancipated to know I had reached out to another person and attempted to make amends for any suffering I had caused.

 

After that, I felt lighter somehow. Pardon the shitty cliche, but it really did feel as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. So many feelings that I had been carrying with me on my journey were shed and left by the roadside. Maybe even more importantly than asking for forgiveness from others, I forgave myself for my sins. I forgave myself for hating those who hurt me. I forgave myself for not knowing what I didn't know before I learned it, realizing I had beat myself up for years for thinking I should have "known better" in a situation I had never encountered before. I forgave myself for making poor choices at times when I was just doing the best I knew how. I forgave myself for feeling guilty for not living up to other people's expectations when I should have blocked out the opinions of others and concentrated on what I wanted for me. I forgave myself for putting expectations on others when my desires shouldn't play any part in the lives of others at all. I forgave myself for letting guilt and insecurity eat me up inside until I thought I wasn't worthy of love or life. My updated Facebook status a few days after I unpacked all of this baggage reflected my feelings:

 



"Two weeks ago I had the worst day. Ever. Nothing happened to make it the worst day ever, it just was. It felt like everything was completely and unbearably wrong.

A week and a half ago I decided to start unloading the baggage I had been carrying around. Some of the things I unloaded, I had been internalizing for 20 years. I asked for forgiveness from others and forgave myself.

A week ago I saw a picture that said, "No matter what....I will continue to live from the centre of my wide open heart". I decided to do that, to open my heart back up when I interacted with all others. To put myself out there and not hold myself back.

Half a week ago I read a crazy powerful poem entitled She Let Go. I read it over and over again. And then I simply let go.

Now everything is different, but it's not. The same day to day issues are still there, but I am different. I feel so much more at peace, and that makes all the difference."

 

I discovered it is not worth it to live with the guilt of my prior actions, especially if I am able to heal it in some way. I discovered it's ok not to have all the answers first in order to move on. Hell, sometimes I don't even know the questions. Putting my ego aside and putting myself out wholeheartedly to people was the best decision I could have possibly made for myself at that point in my life. Interestingly, a few weeks ago I received a message from an old friend who I hadn't had contact with for many years, and had reconnected with fairly recently on Facebook. She said she could relate to my blog posts and that she had her own sadness, insecurities and regrets....and that she was sorry for being a bad friend. And I honestly had no idea why she felt she needed to apologize to me, and I told her that all I had were good memories of her. I hope at that point she was able to release those guilt feelings she had been carrying around and feel a bit freer within her heart as well.

 

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The poem that changed the way I thought of letting go:

 

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgements. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the "right" reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,
she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't read the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all the calculations about how to do it just right.
She just let go.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She just let go. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree,
she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forever more.

~Safire Rose