I Am A Woman of Inappropriate Actions

I admit, I am a woman of inappropriate actions. I most often times do these things without thinking. And by most often, I mean always. I always do these things without thinking. It's not that I'm a huge invader of personal space, it's more like, when someone enters my bubble of personal space there is the potential for all hell to break loose. Sometimes when I meet a complete stranger I will hug them and then kiss their cheek. Sometimes I fart on the cat. I think it depends on the waxing and waning of the moon and the tides. I recently had three instances of my issue happen within the span of one week, which is a bit more than usual:

#1. I was out for lunch with my bestie. We will call him Kevin. Because his name is Kevin and I have no need to protect his identity. We were out having a nice Thai lunch buffet on a nice, sunny afternoon. I was trying new things eating the same things that I always have at the buffet because I figure, once I find something I like, why fuck around with it? My cashew chicken was a bit on the spicy side, and I drank all of my water. The waitress came along and gave me a refill. Then, along with seconds of the cashew chicken, I drank all of that water too. At this point, the waitress was nowhere to be found and my mouth was hot. Burning hot. So I drank out of Kevin's water glass. It was the only reasonable thing for me to do since my mouth was almost literally on fire. After I drank half of it, I put the glass back down in front of him.

Kevin: Did you just do what I think you did?

Me: I don't know. What do you think I just did?

Kevin: You drank out of my glass!

Me: So?

Kevin: That's gross! Now I can't drink out of it. I need a new glass!

Me: Oh please! You left a bigger lip mark on it than I did. Grow up!

Kevin: You grow up. You disgust me.

I guess some people just don't like when you drink out of their glass *shaking my head*. It's not like I used my tongue as a swizzle stick and handed the glass back to him. Oh well. More water for me.

#2. I had been invited over to a boy's house to watch a movie. (I refer to men as boys. Don't panic, he was the same age as me), This boy shall remain nameless, as I'm sure he wants to forget all about this night. I knew who he was through mutual friends and Facebook, but I hadn't gotten together with him before. I was telling my work wife, Amanda, about how this boy never contacted me again after the night I had gone over, but I wasn't sure why. Not that we had anything in common but let's fucking face it, sometimes a girl just wants to feel wanted, you know?

Amanda: So you went over for a movie. Did you actually watch a movie? Were your pants on?

Me: Yes, we actually watched a movie. My pants were on, my shirt was on. All of my clothes were on. I had no socks on, but I didn't go there with socks.

Amanda: Oh yeah? What was the movie then?

Me: *rolling my eyes* Horrible Bosses 2

Amanda: Soooo what happened?

Me: He was a smoker. I didn't know that before I went over. He asked me if it would gross me out if he smoked in front of me and I said yes.

Amanda: The harsh truth. Ok.

Me: Then he asked me if I wanted a beer and I told him I don't really drink. He had a lot of beer in his fridge.

Amanda: Ok.....so far you have nothing in common....

Me: I liked his dog. I was cuddling on the couch with his dog

Amanda: Wait, you were cuddling his dog? Where was he?

Me: He was sitting in a chair, and he came over and sat beside me. Then I put my foot on the side of his face. Like, not just the tips of the toes. My whole foot on the side of his whole face.

Amanda: Your bare foot? On his face? Why??

Me: I don't know. It just felt like the thing to do.

Amanda: What? Why? What did he do?

Me: He grabbed my ankle and took my foot off of his face. I asked him if that bothered him and he said, "Umm yeah. A little bit."

Amanda: Did you reflect on any of this before you told it to me? Because I actually get why he didn't contact you again.

I guess some people just don't like when you put your foot on the side of their face *shaking my head*.

#3. I went in to work for the night shift. The areas are divided into paediatrics and the neonatal ICU on our side. Those two areas are basically separated by a door, so I wasn't aware of who had been working the day shift in the NICU. I sat down and was chatting with the paeds day shift person and my sweet little nurse friend Heather Murphy (I have no interest in protecting her identity either) came out of the NICU. I adore Heather, and I like to think she adores me, so we tend to show affection toward each other in a platonic, non lesbian way. She came up behind me and put her arms around me, hugging me from behind. Her face was pressed side to side with mine and I quickly turned my face toward hers and kissed her cheek. I will admit that I didn't initially know who I was kissing. But a split second later when I had figured it out, my brain said a kiss wasn't quite enough, and I immediately licked the side of her face. I could tell by her reaction of yelling, "PAULA! TOO CLOSE!!" that it had been taken one step too far. My brain's advice had betrayed me yet again. Oops. I guess some people just don't like when you lick the side of their face *shaking my head*. What can I say? I'm a work in progress....