Shine. Possibility. Radical Self-Love.

At the beginning of January I was browsing on the Pinterest, and I came across an interesting little blog post. The gist of the post was that at the beginning of each new calendar year, you choose a word that you would like to encompass that specific year. The word, or words, are to be directly tied to your goals, and would serve as a reminder of how you would like the next 12 months of your life to play out. In essence, this word would become your mantra for the year. I briefly read through all 100 of the "get some inspiration suggestions" to see what would jump out at me, and settled on two words that would compliment one another: Shine and Possibility. I looked at them over and over. I read them several times a day for a few days in a row. I wanted to see if they were something that resonated with me enough to carry them in my heart. I needed to decide if they inspired me to live up to them for a year. I was sure I wanted to let myself shine through my art and writing, and be open to the possibilities that doing this might bring. Last year was my "I'm going to write and make art and show the world" promise to myself, at which I fell miserably short. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to "live up to my potential". Growing up, I'm sure I saw that phrase on my report cards about 60, 000 times as an elementary and high school student, although I could never figure out how any teacher could possibly know that I even had potential if I was determined not to live up to it.

A few days after I chose my mantra, my boyfriend made the decision to leave me. No face to face goodbye, and plenty of need for closure on my part. I will love him always, but deep in my heart I have come to terms with the fact that he was right, and that his leaving was for the best for both of us. Regardless, I felt angry, hurt, brokenhearted and absolutely blindsided. I looked at my mantra for the year again. Shine. Possibility. Seriously? How the fuck was I supposed to shine now? I looked at the list again, willing another word to jump out at me. Any word to reflect how I could possibly cope for an entire year with my unexpected newfound singleness. Not that I haven't been single before, and for long periods of time, but I honestly thought that Brian was The One. I had made future plans for us. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I thought, I thought, I thought. I was wrong. I scanned the list again and again. Making Peace. Heal. Letting Go. These were the same words that I'd been dealing with for the past two or three years. I'd made peace with many things. I'd let go of just as many things. I had healed from numerous past wounds. I was so fucking tired of doing those things. I'd done those things with all of my being for what felt like forever. I'd conquered the healing process and the letting go process and although it's incredibly healthy, I wanted it to be background noise this year. I wanted those things to be automatic, not what I spent my whole year immersed in, goddamn it.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

                                     ~Anna Nalick

I looked back at my original choices. Shine. Possibility. Even though I was incredibly sad, those words continued to draw me to them like little beacons of hope. Words of forging on. Healing and Letting Go could be done as well, but Healing and Letting Go felt like they were holding me still until I was done. I have been treading water with Healing and Letting Go for a long time now. In my heart I didn't feel like being still anymore. I picked another phrase out of the list to add to my year. A word that encompassed those things with a different connotation - Radical Self-Love. Yes, I thought to myself, this time it feels right.

If you are interested in choosing a word mantra for your year laying before you, the above mentioned blog post has a lot of really great ideas: http://www.viviennemcmasterphotography.com/2015/01/02/100-words-of-the-year/

Unbreak My Heart

And suddenly it was over. Five days ago I got the news that my boyfriend, the man I considered my soul mate, told me he wasn't happy and then he just left. I'm not going to say I understand it or that I'm okay with it, but his mind is firmly made up and I can't change it. He is the only man I have ever been able to be 100% myself with. Maybe that was the problem? Do I have some unbearable traits that are unbeknownst to me? I can't answer that. I do know that although I am heartbroken and devastated right now, I am glad Brian and I met. I learned a lot from him, and I hope he learned a bit from me too.

What I learned:

1. You know when you buy onions and you put them in your fridge crisper or on your counter and all of those onion skins get all over everything? Keep them in an open produce bag and no flaky skins get anywhere.

2. I love cats. I used to think I hated them until I lived with one. Even though the cat was super jealous bitch to me, I still loved her. Now I have a wee kitty of my own :)

3. I don't need most of the stuff I have. A couple days after the break up, I went through my entire house and got rid of two vanfulls of "stuff" to Value Village. Stuff I had accumulated but didn't need, and kept for the sake of comfort and safety. I feel so much better with more open space in my home now.

4. If there is anything I shouldn't feel guilty about spend more money on, it's quality food. The Farmer's Market is awesome, and I love going there in the summer. I don't even mind getting out of bed for it. 

5. I need to write and paint more. It's an outlet for my overly emotional being.

6. Being bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of.

7. I don't have to cater to my children.  I pay the bills and I can make the rules. I need to ditch my single parent guilt at the door. I need to prepare them for life outside of my home.

8. A garage is for parking a vehicle in. This is my third winter in my condo and the first winter I've been able to park in my garage. Best thing I've ever done. 

Now it's time for me to let the healing begin, because even though in this moment it feels like healing isn't possible, it will happen. Eventually.