Let’s Get This Show on the Road

I finally did it, my first blog post! This is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time! When I say I finally did it, I mean I’ve been wanting and thinking about this for at least a year with absolutely no action behind my words. Why would I not pursue something that I REALLY want to do? For no other reason than because I was afraid. Most people that know me would not believe the things I wanted to do in high school, but was too afraid to try out for. The things that stand out the most in my memory are volleyball, flag football and cheerleading. What…? Yes, I wanted to be a cheerleader. Granted, I wasn’t a very cheerleadery type. And by that I mean I wore a lot of black for a lot of years and had a bit of a dark and brooding attitude, dyed my hair burgundy, wrote terrible poetry, and wore too much makeup. I might have resisted wearing the tiny cheerleader skirt, but I think I could have added a little grit to that squad. I could have made those cheers hardcore, and I would have been a hell of a pyramid base. When I watch those high school type movies, I still think about the stellar cheerleader I know I would have been if I’d had the confidence to try out.  And thus I have continued throughout my life with that fear factor firmly attached to my persona. I think for the most part it’s actually more of a habit than the actual fear of anything. You just get used to not doing things because you might fail at them, and after a while you find yourself stuck in that same old pattern. I know I learned from a young age that if you weren’t good at something you just didn’t do it.  You’re not good at volleyball, or you’ve just never tried it before? Well, you won’t get on the team so don’t bother trying out because those kids that are really good at volleyball….they’ve already got it covered, and there’s no time to teach you to catch up! That’s a really shitty mindset to have, and it’s so widespread it’s practically an epidemic.

Earlier this year I made a public proclamation that I was going to do the Spartan Beast. Yes, I was planning on doing all 20+ kilometers, sprinkled with about a zillion obstacles, which is exactly the reason for it’s daunting name. At first I was very gung ho about it all. I had a friend who was coaching me, and he was crazy supportive and had all the confidence in the world in me. My training was on track, and my nutrition was great. Unfortunately I couldn’t wrangle any of my friends into doing it with me so I signed up to do it alone. Somewhere along the way a little voice in the back of my head said to me, “Who do YOU think you are? You’ve never done this before. I bet you won’t be good at it either. Oh, and just as an aside, your running sucks.” And I listened to it. And I didn’t do The Beast. Of course, looking back I wish I had done the race. I have no illusions that I would have won, but just to finish it within five or six hours, or even to try it and DNF, at least I would have gone out and tried. Everyone has to start somewhere and that could have been my start. The voice that continually says, “Who do you think you are? There are real racers out there” has been my biggest stumbling block. I mean, realistically, why the fuck does it always have to be someone else’s success? It’s that fear of the unknown that holds us back. Fear of succeeding, fear of failing, fear of being judged, fear that people won’t like our words or actions. The panic of succeeding at the thing we really want to do because it’s so comfortable where we are, regardless of whether the “where we are” makes us miserable or not, because that success is pushing us to continue onto other things and we may never find that real comfort again. Comfort draws us back time and time again, at least I know it does that to me, and I know I let it. Comfort feels like my friend, but it’s really my enemy. The lure of comfort should be likened to a stranger with candy. Driving a van with no windows. It’s just bad news.

So what am I going to do about it now that I’ve screwed around and lost my momentum? I’m going to stop the negative thinking, ramp up the self confidence, and start doing all those things I want to do, that make me happy, and that I might not even be good at. I’m going to stop making half assed attempts at things, so that if I fail at them I can just say, “Whatever, I didn’t do well because I wasn’t trying that hard anyway.” I’m going to pour myself into the things I love even if I totally suck at them, because at the end of the day I want to be counting my triumphs instead of my regrets. And maybe I’ll even crash the local high school and try out for the cheerleading squad.