The Back to School Non-Jitters

As I was going over my work schedule earlier this year, I was ecstatic to see I wasn't working the day shift on the first day back to school in September. This meant my day was free for doing the mommy things in the morning like making breakfast, helping with lunches, and instilling any last bit of my expert advice and reassurance. I have always liked to take the kids up to the school to see which classes they are in and help them make the transition back to the classroom. I remember being at a new school in grade two and being all by myself in the school yard. My mom wasn't as lucky as I am with her work schedule, and couldn't always be there for things like that. I stood at the side of the building and looked in the windows. I walked back and forth, sliding my hand along the window ledge on the outside of the building, hoping that I would become invisible. I knew absolutely no one, and felt conspicuous and totally alone. Even though my kids weren't going to a new school, I still wanted to cushion the experience for them by being there. Okay, that's a bit of a lie. Ty started his very first day of high school yesterday, all handsome in his school uniform, and he didn't want me hanging around either. Although in his defence, he may have been afraid that I'd bring a guinea pig with me. I do shit like that sometimes. Anyway, when I got home from tagging along with the other kids up to the school, I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. It was the first day of school for the kids, but none of them really seemed to care if I took them or not. It appeared that I had blown my importance in their lives way out of proportion here. I had imagined they would beg me to stay with them, and as they were called into their lineups by their new teachers they would look sadly at me and squeeze my hand one last time before they stared down at the ground and slowly walked over to where their classmates were waiting for them. I'd give the teacher a half smile and a shrug of my shoulders as if to say, "What can I do? They are so attached to me. They just love me too much for words." What actually happened went something like this:

Me: "Hey Ty! Want me to take you up to the school?"

Ty: "Nah, I'm good."

Me: "Are you sure? On your very first day of high school??"

Ty: "Yeah."

Hmmmmm. Okay. That was not the conversation I was expecting. I then insisted on going up to the elementary school with Trent and Trista. They wanted to get up there early to see who their teachers would be, and I knew there would be no yard supervision at that time in the morning. You never knew what might happen at 8:15 am with a group of hyped up kids, so I figured I should be there just in case. Trent sauntered away from me right away and found his class list. Then he found his friends and walked away with them without so much as a goodbye. I may have gotten a slight smile, but I can't totally be sure. I found Trista's class list for her, and she was so happy to see she was with one of her besties who hadn't been in her class the year before. As said bestie walked up and they gave each other an excited little hug, I think I actually did become invisible for a minute.

Me: "Hey Tris, want me to stay until it's time to go inside?"

Trista: "Yeah. No....whatever. It doesn't matter."

Me: "Okay, I'm going to go then."

Trista: "Yeah okay." This was actually said over her shoulder as she was already walking away from me at that point.

So when I got home I updated my Facebook status to say:

"I'm torn right now. I'm not sure if I should be sad that my kids don't really care whether or not I take them to school the first day, or proud that they have grown up confident enough to know that they can absolutely go up there and figure it all out on their own. I walked them up there anyway (but tried to interfere the least I could!)"

I got a lot of great support, telling me that it was normal to be a bit sad and it was also good to be proud, and that independence is a sign of good parenting. But one comment stopped me dead, and really put it in perspective. My friend Troy said,

"Not being a parent I would think that the goal is to raise children to be independent and not dependent...."

I was so wrapped up in feeling like I wasn't needed that I made the whole thing about me. I mean, I have been grooming my kids for independence since....well, always. I myself was a painfully shy child. I had no siblings and didn't really understand other kids, which made situations like the first day of school super stressful, even when I did have friends there. Because of this, I decided long before I had kids that I wanted my children to be sure of themselves and confident. One thing I always despised when I was young was making phone calls, and I felt seriously apprehensive whenever I had to. So I've gotten Ty, Trent and Trista to make their own phone calls to friends and family since they were able to talk. The point being that the more they did it, the more comfortable they would become with it. Now they have no issues calling a store and talking to a stranger to ask a question. Earlier this summer, a friend of mine from work that Trista had never met found herself with an extra ticket to see the Wizard of Oz in Toronto. She asked me if I thought Trista would like to go with her....driving down with an entire bus full of other people she also didn't know. Trista, my brave eight-year-old, said "YES!!" without hesitation. She went to a place she had never been with a person she only knew by my stories from work and had a great time (thanks Heidi!!). My kids have no problem talking with adults, and no difficulties making friends. They are pretty darn comfortable with themselves and, dare I say it, exceptionally independent. I am just so proud of each of them! I've since realized the only reason I was allowed to come to the elementary school yesterday was for a bit of an ulterior motive. Trent's reasoning was that Trista wouldn't be able to see the class lists over the scads of parents and kids that are always crowding around on that first day. So I was essentially critiqued and given the go ahead due to my height advantage. And after a bit of reflection, I'm okay with that.