What the F**K is a Budget Anyway???

So I was at the job (or "in da hood" as we've started calling it), the other day and I expressed to one of my coworkers that I need to put myself on some sort of a budget. Since that day, I've become a bit of a project for her. I think she's worried about me. I think she thinks I'm irresponsible. I actually suspect it's because of a conversation that went something like this:

Heidi: "Okay, so your mortgage comes right out of your bank account. Does your insurance come out of there as well?"

Me: "I think so."

Heidi: "You think so?"

Me: "Yes. I definitely think so."

Heidi: "You don't know?"

Me: "Well it's gotta come out of somewhere. I'm almost sure it's there."

Heidi: "What's the rate on your mortgage?"

Me: "I'm not sure."

Heidi: "What do you mean you're not sure?"

Me: "I took the best one I could get; I just don't recall what that might have been right now."

Heidi: "Ok, so your gas bill comes out of your bank account. Which gas company do you use?"

Me: "I'd know it if I looked at the bill."

Heidi: "Do you have anything outstanding that is going to be coming out of your bank account?"

Me: "Yes. I wrote the plumber a cheque yesterday and took it to his house."

Heidi: "You took it to his house? Is he a friend of yours?"

Me: "No, I had just had the bill for a long time and forgot about it, and then I found it again and I thought I should pay it, but I didn't want him to think I was irresponsible so I took it right to his house and gave it to his wife instead of putting it in the mailbox because it was Friday and I didn't want it to be sitting in the mailbox all weekend without him knowing about it, and then I explained all this to his wife to tell him sorry I hadn't paid sooner and to please not think I'm irresponsible." That may look like a run on sentence, but that's actually how I talk sometimes.

Heidi: "Oh. My. God." **BIG SIGH and a BIG ROLL OF THE EYES**

So now you know why she sees me as a project. I wish I could say that I don't know much about my finances because I have a husband that does all that shit for me, but I don't. It's just me, and all I really care is that I get paid the right amount on the right day. And as an aside, automatic withdrawal is the best thing ever to happen to people like me.

The week after that conversation, I went to the bank. Because they called me to come in. The message on my message machine said they wanted to help me save money, because I obviously don't know what the fuck I'm doing. It may not have been said it in those exact words, but it was certainly implied. When I get called to come in to the bank, I always feel like I'm in the principal's office at school again, but this time I'm getting into trouble for mismanaging my money. When I went in, this "Financial Advisor" started to ask me the exact same questions that she asks me every single time I get hauled into her office. It was becoming incredibly tedious, so I finally said, "My answers are the same as before. They will always be the same because I don't care about this financial stuff. It literally bores me to tears." I got the pursed lip look of disapproval from Financial Advisor at that point and she continued filling out the questionnaire without actually asking me the questions. I thought I heard a big sigh from her too, but I'm not sure because my mind was already wandering at that point. I have always been in Financial Advisor's office for at least an hour at a time, where she tries to convince me to change this or get in to that, and I have no idea what she is talking about. I literally need a translator to walk through the door to talk to the woman. Financial Advisor has never had any patience for me. I think we have conflicting personalities or something. I tend to be a bit more....free spirited.....than she is. I think the same rule should apply to Financial Advisors as to parents: Positive reinforcement is always better than the negative stuff. Do not chastise me for not being interested in money matters, congratulate me that I'm gainfully employed! Praise me for not being unintentionally homeless! Give me a high five for having more than 36 cents in my bank account....hell, give me a pass to cut to the front of the teller line for not going into overdraft all month!

I was actually thinking recently that it might be nice to be more aware of what is going on in my day to day budgeting habits, but it's just one of those things I can't fit into the day. Technically I could, but I have way more cool things to do than count my pennies. Or, more technically nickles, since the penny has been done away with in Canada. Maybe I should just hire Heidi to do it for me.